Ruthless Calculus
by uglychui
Summary: Thea must choose between emotion and logic when the Moshae declares that the kett facility must be destroyed. Part 10 of my 'Ceasefire' series
1. Ruthless Calculus

"You promised you'd get our people out!"

Liam regarded her, shooting Jaal a sympathetic glance. "There's no time to open hundreds of pods, let alone help the angara inside."

"Wait!" the Cardinal begged. "Leave my sacred temple intact and I will open the pods of the Chosen. Take them— just leave this holy place standing!"

The Moshae pushed herself from Jaal's arms, her hand cutting through the air. "No. Even if I die here, this place must be destroyed."

"We can come back to destroy it!" Jaal pleaded. "Let's free these here now!"

The Moshae rounded on him. "If your plan fails, the kett will simply fill this place again."

"With respect, our compatriots are also here. Our fighters. Our scientists. Our _strength_!"

"Ryder," Liam insisted, eyes bearing into her. "What's your call?"

Thea kept her gaze locked on the Cardinal, her mind torn between her emotions and her logic. If she freed the angara here, hundreds of families would rejoice. They'd recover and live the lives they were supposed to live. Until they were recaptured. Until they were forced to live this special kind of hell again. Contrary to Jaal's suggestion, coming back to destroy the facility was not a sure thing. SAM had only been able to gain access because the kett were not expecting him— had not known about him. Surely they'd improve their defenses, making it that much harder to get in the next time.

On the other hand, if she destroyed the kett facility now, it would be a major victory for Voeld and the Resistance. The largest source of kett numbers would be decimated and the Resistance would finally be able to fight back the remaining kett. They would finally be making headway in the war against the kett, instead of the stalemate they'd been stuck in.

Decision made, she finally let out the breath she hadn't known she'd been holding. She turned her head towards Jaal, throwing him a steely look— a look that she hoped had told him just how sorry she really was, that she had never meant to break her promise to him, that she was condemning these angara to a pitiful and undeserving death.

Jaal's eyes widened in horrific realization, and she turned back to meet the Cardinal's eyes.

"SAM, prepare to override the EM shield—"

Jaal's desperate shout brought water to her eyes. "Ryder, _no_!"

Her breath shuddered as she attempted to keep her tears at bay. "But wait for my go," she finished, her order marred by the cracking of her voice.

The Cardinal moved faster than she could react, her fist backhanding Thea with terrifying force and sending her flying to the ground. A gunshot rang through the air and she saw the Cardinal's head buck back before her body fell forward, green blood exploding from the headshot. She turned to see Jaal, his rifle raised where the Cardinal had stood, tears streaming down his angular cheeks.

His tears did not soften the rage he sent through the air and Thea. "All the kett will suffer the same fate until my people are free," he growled. His vengeful gaze— usually so inquisitive and open, despite his frequent voicing of distrust— pierced through her before he turned away to palm his comm to update the rest of the angaran crew. "We have the Moshae. Heading to the roof for extraction."

* * *

When they returned to the _Tempest_ , Lexi ran up to them, throwing an arm under the Moshae's other shoulder to help Jaal carry her to the medbay. Jaal didn't spare Thea a glance.

Thea made it as far as the Nomad before she slid down the side of it, her head hanging. She brought up her knees and rested her head on them.

Had she made the right call? Why had she been the one to decide? Why was she the one playing God? She clenched her fists, shaking. It hadn't been her people. It hadn't been her place. And yet, it had been her decision.

And while it hurt like hell, it was a decision she still stood by.

"Ryder?"

She took a breath to compose herself before looking up to meet Liam's eyes. His eyes were red and swollen, his usual cheeriness replaced by mourning. Good to know she had made two of her crew members cry. All in one day. She certainly was a busy woman.

"What is it, Liam?" she breathed, bracing herself for his disappointment.

He sniffled. "It had to be done. It was a shitty situation for everyone, especially for the angara inside. But it had to be done." He shook his head forlornly. "It had to be done," he repeated, barely a whisper.

She didn't know if he was trying to convince her or himself.

She nodded, if only to set him at ease. "Good job out there. Go get some rest."

"You as well." Then he turned and disappeared into the room he'd claimed.

She let her head fall back onto the Nomad. No, she would not rest today. Not after killing so many she'd promised to save.

* * *

It was late into the night cycle when Thea finally had time to herself. Jaal had spent the remainder of the day in the medbay, fretting over the Moshae as she brushed off his concern. Thea had gone in earlier to discuss the Moshae's capture and the Archon's goals, all the while discovering that she had gained the Moshae's trust and affection in her harsh decision to kill her people. Jaal had avoided her gaze the entire time.

She smirked humorlessly. _Gain the Moshae's trust but lose Jaal's._

She had pondered on whether she should try to explain her decision to Jaal or not. But from what she'd seen and heard from him, he was a highly emotional being, and would not have accepted her reasoning. Maybe he would come to accept it in the future— be it days or months or years from now— but right now, he was shaken by her betrayal and she deduced he would need space. So she gave up on the idea. When he was ready to discuss the matter, he would breach the topic. She wouldn't force it on him.

She cursed her logic. It was helpful most times. But in sensitive situations such as today, logic was her downfall. Logic had condemned hundreds to die in chains. She shook her head. No. It had not been logic. _She_ had killed them— had made the choice to blow them up along with the kett facility rather than set them free. Had waved away the conflicting emotions in favor of the logic of dealing the greatest blow to the kett.

The ruthless calculus of war.

She hated it. She hated that she was echoing Alec's words, from so long ago. When he had regaled the twelve-year-old twins about the First Contact War. When they'd had no idea what it meant. When they'd been blissfully ignorant.

Now she knew. And she hated it.

" _It had to be done_ ," Liam had said.

She bit down hard into her fist and screamed until her throat was raw, tears and snot gathering into one disgusting pile of shame. Just like her.


	2. What I Can Be

**A/N** : Now we get Evfra's POV!

* * *

 _Show me what it's like_

 _to be the last one standing_

 _And teach me wrong from right_

 _and I'll show you what I can be_

~Savin' Me - Nickelback~

* * *

The human Pathfinder looked absolutely set in her decision to let so many of his people perish when she could have brought them home. Her eyes were untempered steel and the rise of her jaw challenged him to contest her decision. He would not give her the satisfaction.

"Good work on Voeld, Pathfinder," he said instead, causing her to blink.

"Really."

He shrugged. "I only mean to commend you on your ability to return the Moshae to us. Truthfully, I hadn't placed much faith in you." And it was true. He had not thought the human could do what his troops could not— AI or no.

" _Thanks_."

"I give credit where it's due."

"That was _sarcasm_ ," she bit out, taking a step forward in her frustration. "I killed hundreds of angara in the process. Vault aside, were their lives worth the one?"

His eyes narrowed at her harsh words. Though he had argued the same point to Jaal before, having his words thrown back at him was enraging. "No." He crossed his arms over his chest. "But it was worth the knowledge we gained and the destruction of the facility. The kett's presence on Voeld is crippled now and we're one step closer to ending this war, thanks to their sacrifice."

"They should have been able to decide for themselves!"

"Do you regret your decision, Pathfinder?" He tensed as he awaited her answer, barely containing his seething bioelectricity. It had been agitated as of late, and Jaal's report had only worsened it. Her answer would determine if she would be the perfect target for his anger.

She shot him a dark glare. "No, but—"

"But nothing. You made your decision. Now live with it. Otherwise, you'd just be insulting them." He turned to look out the window, his back facing her. He was still angry but knew that, ultimately, there was no point in lashing out. What was done was done.

She fell silent, and for one shining moment, he thought she had stormed off like a pouting child.

"You make it sound so easy, you know? Sacrifice a few for the greater good," she croaked weakly. Evfra thought he detected sorrow in her voice.

Sorrow was good. That meant she was different from the kett.

He kept his gaze on the graying skies above. It would rain soon. It always seemed to rain whenever the Pathfinder was on Aya.

Evfra took a sobering breath. "I'm… ashamed to say that the words do get easier to say. But the feeling— the guilt— never fades." He spun around to face her once again, meeting the attentive violet of her eyes. "Take caution, Pathfinder, if that feeling fades. Because if it does, it means you've become the very monster we're fighting against."

She closed the distance with light steps to stand beside him, looking out the window into the distance. "And the rage?" she whispered. "What do I do with the rage that comes with the deaths of so many people I'd promised to bring home?"

He mirrored her actions, resting his elbows on the windowsill. "Rage is the easiest to deal with." She turned to look at him inquisitively. "You take that rage and you put it through the skulls of the kett."

She fell quiet again, basking in the crisp air. However, the hue of the sky and the absence of Aya's much-coveted sunlight seemed to increase Evfra's agitation. He thought he'd hidden it quite well until the Pathfinder spoke.

"What's eating at you?"

He scoffed. " _Humans_. You all seem to think your strange weaving of words is universal."

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her lips quirk up. Huh. So she _can_ smile.

"Sorry, it's a habit. I mean, what's worrying you?"

"Ah." He shook his head slowly. "Still wrapping my head around what you found at the kett facility. That…" He made a face of disgust. "… _exaltation_."

She nodded. "The more we understand the kett, the easier it'll be to hurt them." Her unforgiving intent surprised him.

He liked it.

"The more I know, the more I _want_ to hurt them."

She crossed her arms, cold eyes unblinking. "Oh, don't worry; we'll get the chance."

She pushed herself from the window and made to take her leave.

"Pathfinder." She stopped and turned to face him with an angled brow. "I expect you to take good care of Jaal out there."

She nodded curtly. "I will. I'm sure he'll return the favor." Strangely enough, she bit her lower lip, as if in doubt.

"Don't worry about him. You saved the Moshae. That earned his loyalty." After all, the Moshae's rescue was all Jaal could focus on since they'd learned of her capture.

She dismissed his reassurance with a scoff. "More than likely, I lost his trust when I killed the angara in the facility."

Evfra's lips twitched into a thin, knowing smile. "Jaal's trust is not so easily lost. You'll see."

The human shook her head in denial before making for the door and threw up a hand. "So long, Evfra."

Evfra's eyes followed her out the door as he thought back to a report— _Hah, more like a diary_ , Evfra mused— Jaal had sent a few weeks after joining the Pathfinder.

 _She is a natural and beloved leader, though she seems to fear and dismiss the genuine love and support of her crew. She relies heavily on logic above all else, though I can see her heart is beautiful, kind, and infinite— not unlike the sprinkles of the stars in the clearest of night skies. Her unflinching eyes are a ferocious maelstrom of violet loneliness and crimson duty._

 _It was strange, at first, that this Pathfinder had seemed so familiar to me. Like I have known her for much longer than I really have. From the moment I spoke to her on Aya— even before you met her— I could not help but extend to her a bit of my trust. And when I joined her crew, the longer I observed her, the more nostalgic I felt. And now, brother, I have finally figured out why._

Evfra remembered rolling his eyes at Jaal's flowery words. Why he had to put up with it was beyond his comprehension. But Jaal's next words were what had given him pause. It had not been what he'd expected, but thinking back on it like he was now, even Evfra himself could not dispute it.

 _She reminds me of you._


End file.
